Reprinted from the Rambling Moron Column at the Platte County Landmark.
THE FIRST STEP TOWARD RECOVERY
It begins about 8 p.m. every night. Just as I am whisking my kid off to his nightly bath. I give it a glance. Maybe shoot a witty update out there. Once he’s done and I’m tucking him into bed, I’ll just give it a brief once-over, just in case anyone has responded. As the child begins to fall fast asleep, I begin my nightly procedure.
I check Twitter first. Usually scan through about 200 tweets. It’s important to stay up to date of any late-breaking news, like if a Kardashian is pregnant or a Kansas City Chief has yelled at a fan.
Following the Twitter update, I am usually done with my nightly “movement” and then put on my pajamas. Another quick check of Twitter, just in case anything has happened in the last few minutes.
Once I’m in bed, I break out the iPad, and then check if there’s been any updates to Twitter in the time it took to move from the iPhone to the iPad. This step then frees me up to check Facebook for any updates since I left work a few hours ago. There’s usually one in there from my wife that clues me in to whether she’s in a good mood or not.
It’s now 9:30, and I’ve been informed from a terse Facebook post that my wife has had a “frustrating!!!!!!!!” day at work, so a quick check of Twitter and I welcome her to bed. This is when she begins checking her Facebook and then playing 42 games of Words with Friends.
Disaster averted. She didn’t want to “talk” about her day. Another check of Twitter. One more pass on Facebook.
By 9:45, I start in on Reddit. Reddit is tricky, because you’re only one click away from a funny cat picture, and only three clicks away from murder crime scene pictures.
At 10:15, I’ve seen most of the crime scene photos so I give Twitter a quick checkup. After a few more passes, I realize I haven’t yet written my column. That takes about 3 minutes, then I check Twitter again. Once more on Facebook. That friend I had in high school is having a bit of a meltdown tonight. I give it a “like” so I can keep tabs on it, and move back to Reddit. Oh, look a kitten who has climbed in the dishwasher. LOL!
By 10:45, that high school friend’s daughter looks like she’s going to get kicked out of boarding school. I give it the old “hang in there” just because I feel bad not saying anything. And then switch over to Twitter to give a “Can’t believe my friend’s daughter threw dog crap at the Dean’s house #Awkward.”
It’s now 11 pm. I wonder what’s on Reddit. Wow. That crime scene is super gory. I better tell everybody on Twitter about this. Oh look, I got a couple replies to my dog crap post. So funny. Better read through all those. Yep. A check over on Facebook and that post has turned into a four-alarm dumpster fire. Looks like it will be providing joy for nights to come.
Twitter check. Nothing in the last couple minutes. Reddit? Nope. It’s 11:30 now and sleep is starting to take hold of me. Reddit check? Not one additional LOLCat. I think it’s finally time to turn off the iPad.
Maybe I have a bit of a social media problem. I can admit that. I guess the first step towards getting help is admitting….
Oh, crap! I haven’t checked my Pinterest in a couple days!!