scrappily suturally From the Rambling Moron column in the Platte County Landmark. Platte County’s number 1 weekly newspaper.

So I find myself opening my computer for the day, and up pops up my daily news site. Usually the first headline of the day lets me know if it’ll be a good day, or a bad day. A Trump headline is usually a down day, a puppy headline is a good day. This day was… weird.

“MILLENNIALS KILL AMERICAN CHEESE” the headline read. Well, obviously, I need to click on this, right?

It was one of the stories we’ve seen dozens or hundreds of times about these Millennials – the age group that’s currently in their 20’s and 30’s. They’re straight up murderers. In addition to American cheese, they’ve killed McDonalds, college football, fabric softener, hotels, and even getting married.

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“Killing” in this context simply means that this generation seems to have different purchasing priorities or have incorporated “life hacks” such as realizing that fabric softener isn’t really needed in modern washing machines, or that the generation is making healthier food choices other than McDonalds.

It’s a very funny topic to keep an eye on. Nearly every day there’s another thing Millennials have killed. Running. Cereal. Focus groups. Gyms. It’s nearly all there. So much so that it’s become awfully silly.

Other generations haven’t seen this. The Greatest Generation never killed anything (except Nazis) and the Baby Boomers were builders and not killers. I think, technically, I’m part of Generation X and we couldn’t find the time to kill anything, we were too busy buying Game Boys and fast food on our credit cards.

I wonder what the newest generation, Generation Z, will kill. I hope it’s something more fun than Applebees or cruises. I want this new generation to kill fossil fuels or cancer or when a commercial comes on that twice as loud as the TV program you’re watching. You know, important stuff.

I’ve been seeing a bunch of pictures of my little nephew who just turned seven months old. That little Generation Z’er hasn’t killed anything yet, except a bunch of diapers. But maybe when he gets older he and his generational peers can kill student debt or smartphones that crack if you drop them 2 inches, or some other super important things like raking leaves or Mel Gibson movies.

From my view, maybe I and my fellow Gen X’ers need to start a killing spree. We could start slow and work our way up. Maybe we kill sticky notes or clicky pens and work up to more substantial impacts such as calling the foul pole the “fair pole” and maybe nachos that get soggy when they sit in the cheese too long.

Look out manual transmissions and body odor, we’re all aiming for you.

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