I contribute a weekly column to the Platte County Landmark under the “Rambling Moron” name. It’s a great Northland Newspaper and well worth a subscription. The following is an copy of my article which appeared in the 6/22/12 edition – printed with permission.

If you’ve been paying attention to the front page of The Landmark over the past several weeks, you’ve likely seen the hullabaloo about the Bed and Breakfast with the Happiest of Endings in downtown Parkville.

The actual details are somewhat cloudy, but it seems one camp contends that the Romantic Getaway Today Inn is a charming B&B in a quaint small town offering wonderful amenities such as privacy, romantic settings and also sex swings and video cameras. Others see it as a sexually deviant house of sleaze offering sexual gizmos and contraptions such as sex swings and video cameras.

Either way, we’re pretty sure there’s sex swings and video cameras. That part we know.

As best I can tell, the person making the fuss is one of the B&B’s neighbors who thinks it’s 1952 and twin beds are all the rage for married couples. I imagine her sense of a good time is a small glass of cherry and then off to bed – just after The Andy Griffith Show finishes.

Repressing anything – sexual orientation, racial equality, gender equity has had a long line of failure. Anytime you choose to push one sense of morality on another person it fails nearly 100% of the time. You piss off the person you’re encroaching on, and only harden their resolve to make good on their efforts to be less repressed.

Plus, you come off looking like an idiot. The article mentions that the B&B has gone to lengths to insulate themselves from somebody walking to the hot tub with their robe open. I’m guessing people are respectful whilst using the sex swing – at least while that lady is screaming to GET THOSE DAMN KIDS OFF MY LAWN!!

Besides, when has a little dirty sex ever hurt anyone? As long as it’s consensual and not the product of being blackout drunk, make it happen. Freak it out. It just makes you closer to your partner and might let you have a little fun doing something that’s, let’s face it, pretty fun.

Unfortunately, some people can’t understand that letting people do what they want in the bedroom actually means letting people do what they want in the bedroom. As soon as you lower your bifocals down to your nose, you’re casting aspersions. Let the Mom and Dad checking into the B&B have a little fun with some toys, some videos or some gizmos. Maybe a little chocolate or whipped cream. Bring out the rubber sheets and the… okay, I might be getting a little carried away.

Parkville shouldn’t take any action against this business. They’ve managed to lift the shackles of those wanting to ride golf carts on city streets, they should lift the shackles of those wanting to get a little freaky with it at a hotel as well. I can almost see the city slogans now… “Parkville… Where It’s Okay to Use Your Putter AND your… <ahem> Nevermind.”

I say good luck to this young woman for catering to people who wouldn’t mind having a little sex while on vacation. Seems to me to be a perfect business model… unless you’re stuck in Mayberry.

(Chris Kamler isn’t stuck in Mayberry. He’s active on Twitter, where he is known as @TheFakeNed. He also hosts “The Kansas City Baseball Vault” on ESPN 1510 Thursdays at 6 p.m. Reach him through his web site,ramblingmorons.com)

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