#HateWeek – My Day As A KU Fan #kubball #Mizzou

It’s Hate Week. And if you don’t know what that means, then you obviously aren’t a fan or MU or KU, or you have a mental disorder.

Hate Week meant to me that I’m liable to lose my shit a couple of times in the week, and Tuesday night, I had a doozy.  Here’s an account of my evening according to my tweets:

This all started after a couple of tweets slamming on Fake Ned. Saying I’m getting away from the “Fake Ned Brand” by tweeting my hate for the Jayhawks. (That’s a whole different post… Kelloggs is a brand. Fake Ned is a twitter account, got it?)

Anyway, here’s what happened after that over the next 2 hours…

• I apologize to the 4000 followers whom I have wronged. I feel like I need to tell you that I am actually not Ned Yost. #RealTalk
• +1,000 RT @markpoulose:@fakenedyost 4k people don’t care about your college views, or personal beliefs. Fake Ned is for royals fans not you
• Goddamn, it was a good run guys. I didn’t even get a chance to talk to you all about my Personal Savior, Jesus Christ.
• I never got to tell you about that time I banged a KU Cheerleader when she forgot to put her teeth in.
• I never had a chance to sing that lullaby Jose Guillen used to sing to me.
• Nope, I really think this is the end. I have strayed from the Fake Ned template and for that, must die.
• Maybe I can start again. Start over. Start small. Like a low level fake paper pushing the Front Office. But it just got too big, too fast.
• Just wanted 2B more like Fake Christina Aguilera. Menstrual blood & all. But he’s right. I’ve diluted Fake Ned brand. Your words cut deep.
• These aren’t tears of sadness, simply tears of twitter joy. Goodbye twitter.
• I hurt a KU fans feelings today, and if I remember my MO Constitution, it’s like hurting 2/5ths of a real person.

• I’d also like to announce I’m quitting my insanely popular video podcast, Rambling Morons, which you can find at www.ramblingmorons.com
• Also retiring from the hugely successful Podcast Royalman Report which, coincidentally, can be found at www.royalmanreport.com
• And no more award winning (someday) columns in the Landmark. Oh look, that’s at www.plattecountylandmark.com
• No, I’m done. This KU fan has bested me. Foisted me with my own petard. I don’t even know if that’s right. I’m just Missouri fan.
• The Blue Wings have risen.
• There will be nothing left of me but a giant pothole on Twitter. You know, like Topeka.

• I suggest you all follow the Twitter greats, like Skip Bayless and Kevin Kietzman. True twitter trailblazer.
• What will I do once I’m gone from twitter? Well, clearly the market is cornered on White Boy Raps.
• Certainly no Fake Ned Yost chant by @The_Antlers on College Gameday. #Twittercide
• Maybe get a job with Newt Gingrich? Sure! He needs a fake driving his twitter account. #Twittercide
• I thought I could hang in this MU/KU war, i’m just a shell, a paper doll… Like that Whitey kid on the #kubball team.
• But, I can start up my pottery again… Man, I love the pot. Yanno?
• You KU fans have won. You and your fire trap Phogg fieldhouse. You have extinguished the fire… Of my heart…

• Maybe I can stay on twitter if I start rooting for KU? Where do I start? Shorter sentences?? Saggier tits? More prison tats? WHERE?
• I don’t want to twitter die. I will even root for that bird college to stay… Now, when do we wave those pot leaves??
• I’m ripping up newspapers and throwing them at my driveway… Oh and I fucked a dude. #WelcomeMeToKUFandom
• Roooooooooccckkkkkkkkk coooccckkkkkkkkk sommeeethingggggg UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
• Don’t let me die KU fans. Welcome me to the octagon of cum. Wait, am I getting that right? I don’t pay attention too good.
• KU fan. I want in. I’ll do anything. I’ll fuck my sister. I’ll fuck your sister. I’ll fuck Tyshawn Taylor.
• I wanted be a KU fan, and just got a promotion at work!! My hair is coming in Salt and Pepper now! My secretary just gave me a handjob!
• Is this what I’ve been missing all along? Is this what life on the right side of state line is like?

• Aw damn, I just got divorce papers filed on me.. #KuFanProblems
• Shit, my company just went belly up. #KUFanProblems
• Being a KU fan is great! I get to vote for Mitt Romney!!
• Looking at a condo in Olathe. Says closest Baptist Church is on some street called Westboro. Fellow KU fan, this a good one?
• Just bought my first KU jacket. From some guy named Mangino so I’m going to need it taken out a little…
• I’ve been a KU fan for less than 20 minutes and, no shit, some guy just gave me $100 bill. His semen tasted like soy sauce.
• Wait. There isn’t a Shakespeare’s pizza here? Surely you have some CJ’s hot wings right?
• Your cheerleaders are allowed to keep their mustaches?? Have I Been sold a bill of goods here? #NewKUFan

• The traffic over here sucks. Just saw a power chick driving, texting and putting on lipstick and Jerking off someone in the back seat.
• No… I’m in this for the long haul. If I need to learn my cheeses to go to parties, so be it.#ThatOneIsYellow #ThatoneIsWhite
• Just learned the KU fan secret handshake, it’s shake like normal, but take $50 out of the guys pocket.
• I am now a proud Kansas Fan, like Jack Harrys gardener and the guy who gets Nick Wright’s coffee in the morning.
• I’m a Jay… Jay… JAY JAY JAYHAWK and the Home of the Chieeeeeeeeeeeefffffffssssss #IAmHome
• At Mizzou, DGB is a top rated recruit. Here in Kansas, DGB is the name of that report my fucking secretary forgot to print. #AmIRight?
• Here at KU, we have this saying, derp a derp derp derp derp. It really is so true.

• Just spilled white zin on my cardigan at Houlihans. #KUFanProblems
• Wait. What’s the subject of that sentence? And? RT @dustinw82:@fakenedyost you’re and idiot.
• Tried to get into #kubball practices but apparently is “weed and prison tat time”
• Hold on. There is a NASCAR track here?? In Kansas?? I Might never go back. #3
• Closest I got to NASCAR in Missouri was a rim job from a chick in a Jeff Gordon hat. I mean, I think it was a woman
• Which one does Kevin Harlan go to? RT @tomlp101: @fakenedyost I suppose you’ll be at Baron BMW tomorrow?
• I’ve been sitting at a light at 119th and Metcalf for 45 minutes now. I just want to go to KU Sampler… Gosh!!

• Wait. But I’m a KU fan now. You can’t hate me anymore. WAVE THE WHEAT!!! ROCK CHALK!!! BUY JAPANESE!!
• Not sure I can live in both worlds. Still wanting to listen to whiteboi rappers and watch Head of State. #ItsGood
• If tonight has taught me anything, its that Jesus invented humans… And Kansas invented the peach basket. Cuz we grow peaches here.

• It has also taught me that Whitey isn’t just a few basketball player, it’s a way of life.
• This all started because I hurt a KU fans feelings tonight. After spending hours in your shoes, I now understand your thin skinned-ness
• I think I’m going to return to my Mizzou fandom, but a little wiser, and with a FUCKING SWEET Beamer. I will never forget you, Kansas.
• I won’t forget the night I walked in your penny loafers and didn’t chew Skoal and watched that Housewives show. A part of me dies tonight.
• But, I just can get over my Missouri roots. My ability to understand evolution. And my eventual acceptance of the blacks. #MUForever
• Missouri has the Royals, the Big 12 Championship and my favorite sex noise, “UH” in its name if you say it right.
• I simply realized that Kansas is a backwards, shit-hole of a college where they fuck their mothers with their brothers. Suck a dick KU.
• <drop mic>