Your Mama…

Originally appeared in Platte County Landmark

We have crossed into dangerous times. No, it’s not because of nuclear proliferation by North Korea or climate change. It’s because my Mom was excited to watch the Super Bowl Halftime Show by Bruno Mars.

yourmomBruno Mars was supposed to belong to the young people. Halftime shows are supposed to belong to the young people. The older folks are supposed to complain about how the music is too loud and “why can’t they have that wonderful young boy Frankie Avalon singing at halftime?”

Now it’s over. Our relationship is broken now. Beyond repair.

And it’s not just me. Mom’s are ruining America.  Samsung made a claim earlier in the year that only old people own iPhones now. Mom’s ruined the iPhone.  Think of your friend. Now what kind of phone does he or her have? Is it an iPhone? Are they an old person? Case made.

The latest proof is that Princeton University researchers recently published a study predicting that Facebook will lose 80% of its user base over the next three years?  Why? That’s right. Moms have ruined Facebook.

Facebook used to be the place to go for college kids to pick up other college kids.  Then it became the coolest place to post pictures of your drunken Friday nights.  Do you remember when your Mom friended you on Facebook?  It’s probably right up there with the day the Space Shuttle crashed or the day you found out about Santa Claus.  It’s a moment you never forget.  Forever changed.

After that, you started to get posts about making sure you eat your vegetables, and questions about who that blonde was in the picture from last weekend.  It stopped being fun.  So everybody went to Twitter.  Mom is headed there next. Now people are ejecting off of Facebook faster than the Denver Bronco’s chance to win the Super Bowl.

It’s not Moms fault. She doesn’t mean to buzz kill the party.  She’s only looking out for you. And it’s not the first time. Remember your first boy-girl party when you were 14? Remember when she brought out the pictures of you in the bath tub?  Remember your graduation party when she showed the video of you after you got your wisdom teeth pulled out and couldn’t say “potato for an hour?”  These things are adorable to Mom, but they’re humiliating to you.

Moms even ruined blue jeans. Blue jeans used to be worn by James Dean and Elvis. Now “mom jeans” are an actual thing worn by Michelle Obama and… your mom.

Now Mom is going after Facebook and Bruno Mars. Something must be done. The line must be drawn here. You can have Bruno Mars, but leave me Daft Punk and Twitter.

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