I contribute a weekly column to the Platte County Landmark under the “Rambling Moron” name. It’s a great Northland Newspaper and well worth a subscription. The following is an copy of my article which appeared in the 5/18/12 edition – printed with permission.
It all started with an instant message from my wife the other day.
“The folks here at work were having an interesting discussion.”
This seemed innocent enough and I replied, “Oh?”
“They were wondering if you could have two weeks with Kate Upton, but it meant you could never see your wife again, would you do it?”
Now, I’ve been married to her for thirteen wonderful years and I honestly thought I was smarter than this. Yet I fell into the trap. I responded, “Wow. Upton is super hot. I’d probably have to think long and hard about it.” Can’t you see the sly grin on my face as I made a funny joke to my wife, right? Wrong.
“Have fun sleeping on the couch.” And then she was suddenly “BUSY” on the Instant Messenger.
So, not only did I forget the cardinal rule of e-mails and instant messages – that you can’t convey emotion or sarcasm; but I also forgot that no matter what I responded, I had already lost the fight.
This reminds me of the first time I supposedly learned this lesson, fourteen years ago. I remember the exact spot on the Plaza that my then girlfriend, and I were walking. Hand in hand and so in love, she turned to me and said, “What do you think about my hair?”
In a completely honest and stupid response, I looked at her beautiful blonde hair and then at several of the other pedestrians along the Plaza and said, “well, THAT girl’s is pretty nice. Why don’t you try something like that?”
The battle was lost before I even answered because it’s not the response. The power is in the question. The question doesn’t assume an equal relationship. It doesn’t want an honest answer. I’ll bet even Kate Upton’s boyfriend has SOMETHING he can say critical of her. No, the nature of relationships is a constant struggle for power. And if you know anything about marriage, you know that the power doesn’t reside on the man’s side.
It resides, as it has since the beginning of time, with the one who tempted the other one with the apple. And since then, men have been falling for the “Do these jeans make me look fat?” trap.
No, this was a classic trap. and even though my honest answer was that there was no way in hell I’d trade the 15 blissful years I’ve spent with Kara to trade for two weeks with Kate Upton, I know that I at least have to continue to try to get that power back.
Yes. It’s a fool’s errand. So, Kate… Call me.
(Chris Kamler is active on Twitter, where he is known as @TheFakeNed. He also hosts “The Kansas City Baseball Vault” on ESPN 1510 AM Thursdays at 6 p.m. Reach him through his web site, rambling morons.com)