Take a Leak

From the August 31 edition of The Platte County Landmark

Humans are hilarious. Humans are predictable. Humans are stupid.

Last month, a series of private photographs began appearing on the Internet. They were photos taken with cell phone cameras, clearly of celebrities in varying states of undress. Details are sketchy on how the photographs became available, but it looks like hackers logged into cell phones and lifted the photos from the celeb’s storage drives.

The act is illegal. The photographs are the personal property of the owner and it’s simply illegal to take those from someone. It’s a severe invasion of privacy. But here’s the thing, you looked. I know you looked. You searched in Google for “Jennifer Lawrence leaked” or “Kate Upton Verlander pics.” Or maybe they scrolled across your Twitter feed and you didn’t’ turn away. Don’t even try to deny it. Maybe you found them. Maybe they’d already disappeared from the Internet. But you totally looked.

Since the beginning of time, people have been doing stupid things and other people have been fascinated with those people who do stupid things. You’ve likely done stupid things in your life, like that time you fell through the folding chair at the church picnic. Or the time that you fell off a ladder hanging Christmas lights. Did your friends give you crap about it? Well of course they did. Because that’s what they do. They used your stupidity to their entertainment.

Technology has only escalated this process and made it grander.  And when technology gets smarter than humans, humans expose just how stupid they are.  Technology allows human stupidity to flourish in two different ways. The first is by allowing it to capture all the dumb things we do every day. Most of the time, it’s just people saying dumb things about the President or how their inconsiderate kids are inconsiderate on Facebook.  But a lot of the time it’s people taking pictures of themselves naked. Front. Back. Top. Bottom. You are stupid if you snap that little button when your clothes are off. You know you are. And you know you’re stupid the second you do it. And yet, there’s something about human behavior that it’s unstoppable.

The second thing that technology allows is the ability to not understand how technology works.  When you take an image of your ding dong, or your ta-ta’s with your cell phone, that picture is translated into a series of 1’s and 0’s and BLAH BLAH BLAH THIS IS BORING WHO CARES.  See? You couldn’t even get through my explanation.  You don’t care what happens to the picture of your giblets after you take it.  Well, that is until it ends up on Facebook or the Internet or Twitter or Rager or Pudding Pop or whatever new thing the kids are using now a days to show pictures of flibberty-bubbles.

And so it goes. Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton and dozens of other celebrities took pictures of their candy-grams, just as you might’ve once. They forgot about them. And then they got picked off with a wireless scanner and are now just a Google click away.

The good thing is that nothing will change. People remain stupid.  Other people are entertained by that stupidity. What’s on YOUR cell phone?

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