Loserville, U.S.A.

Originally appeared in Platte County Landmark

Loserville.  Welcome back to Loserville.

You thought winning a soccer trophy was the turning point? Nope. Kansas City, you are the pits.

It’s our fault, really. Not the fault of the Chiefs defense, who gaked away a 28 point lead. This one is on us.  We should’ve seen it coming.  I mean, for goodness sakes, even our mascot spent the last two months in the hospital. Was it really any surprise that Jamaal Charles left the game injured five minutes in?

This one felt like a punch in the gut after about 25 kicks in the groin and dropped a city right back into the squalor that is Loserville: Population Kansas City and Cleveland. At least Cleveland has the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Every year we hope and we pray and we squint and we cheer and we invest money in shirts and hats – and what do we get out of it? A 28 point swing and a 45-44 loss to extend the Chiefs winless streak in the playoffs to 21 years.  The last time the Chiefs won a playoff game, NBC’s Friends was 8 months away from airing its first episode and Joe Montana was the quarterback.

This one is on us. We absolutely should’ve seen it coming. Kansas City is the home Andrews McMeal, the publisher of Peanuts. Peanuts is the famed comic strip by Charles Schultz and features a recurring gag where Lucy repeatedly convinces Charlie Brown to try to kick a football only to pull it away at the last second – over and over and over again. There is no more perfect metaphor for Kansas City sports fandom.

Kansas City tried to die a frozen fountain at North Oak and Vivion to show their Chiefs pride prior to their first playoff appearance in a decade. The scene looked like something out of an episode of CSI or Dexter. Rivers of red dye painted the white ice unevenly prompting the KC Parks department to issue a statement saying it was the first time they tried it. Ya think?  Well, at least we have that haunting reminder of failure to drive by every day until March when it thaws.

74353767_04c2efc838Why do we keep doing this to ourselves?  If I offered you to be a Kansas City fan and repeatedly watch our teams puke in times of clutch for over twenty years, or, smack yourself in the face one time with a hammer and never be smacked again – wouldn’t you take the hammer?

And yet, we’ll line up again for tickets when they go on sale in a few months. We’ll continue to buy Chiefs shirts as birthday presents and put Royals bumper stickers on our cars.  We are Kansas City. We are Loserville.

At least we can put aside our pain over a 21 year playoff drought and focus on the upcoming Kansas City Royals season – a team with a 29 year playoff drought.  I’m sure this will end up better.  I can sense it.  I’m going to run out and buy my season tickets, right after I kick Lucy’s football.

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