Cheaters Always Win

Originally appeared in Platte County Landmark

I’ve gotten it all wrong.

Thank you, Alex Rodriguez, Chris Christie, Lance Armstrong, and a host of others for reminding me about a valuable life lesson… Throw out that “liar, liar, pants on fire” nursery rhyme and let’s go with “cheaters always prosper.”

Lying is in. Cheating is the new black. I think I’m ready to learn from my mistakes in the past and finally embrace the dishonest lifestyle that will put me on top.

Alex Rodriguez continues to remind us that cheating always pays off. Oh sure, he’s facing a little bit of trouble in the way of a 162 game suspension from Baseball for taking steroids, but that’s a drop in the bucket compared to the $300 Million he’s made playing baseball over his career.  All the while, denying he ever took any performance enhancing drugs even though evidence suggests the complete opposite. A-Rod even has folks coming out of the woodwork who admit to injecting him with things. No matter. Deny, deny, deny.

But Chris, you say that Lance Armstrong was stripped of his seven Tour De France titles. Yeah, but HE GOT TO HAVE SEX WITH SHERYL CROW. The man only had one testicle. Do you think he’s going to bag a hottie like Sheryl Crow without some PED’s?  Another victory for cheating.

Jump ahead to politics – oh there’s never any lying in politics. Let’s look at the latest scandal, this one featuring New Jersey Governor Chris Christie who denies any involvement with creating traffic jams on the George Washington bridge. A bridge named after, ironically enough, a man who could not tell a lie.  What does Christie do? Denies any involvement in the face of mounting evidence that he caused the problem.  Christie might be the next President, hell, he might be elected King or Pope or something. Brilliant move, Governor!

Just think what I can accomplish with a new slate – one where I’m dishonest. I could start taking performance enhancing drugs, which, for a newspaper columnist, is really just black coffee and Red Bull. But those are two things I don’t currently drink. Doesn’t matter. I’m heading for newspaper glory.

Maybe I should just start copying columns out of The Pitch and turning them in. Oh boy, let the money start rolling in!  All those “good” manners and traits my parents taught me like never telling a lie and respecting others — garbage. Daddy needs him some moolah!

I can start lying. Oh boy this is going to be great. Sure, Mr. Editor, I fact checked every one of my quotes, like the one where the Mayor said that all police cars will soon be equipped with a stun gun that shoots Skittles at pedestrians. Nope, got the quote myself. Just print it. BOOM. COME ON PULITZER!!

I suppose I could continue to tell the truth and be kind to my elders and make complete stops at traffic lights. Naaahhhh… Look out world, you’ve got one lyin’, cheatin’, dopin’, druggin’ newspaper columnist about to raise some hell in 2014 – A-Rod style.  Now, can somebody get me Sheryl Crow’s number? I need a date to the Newspaper Awards.

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