I contribute a weekly column to the Platte County Landmark under the “Rambling Moron” name. It’s a great Northland Newspaper and well worth a subscription. The following is an copy of my article which appeared in the 4/6/12 edition – printed with permission.
FIGURING OUT WHAT A MAN’S JOB IS
It’s taken me nearly 40 years, but I think I’ve finally figured out what a man’s job is in this world.
I’ve spent many of these years in a state of immaturity and during that time, my guess is that the job of a man was to open pickle jars or possibly discuss farting with your friends. It might also have been to make sure the lawn is mowed, or possibly watching football from 10 a.m. on Saturday morning until 11 p.m. on Monday night.
The bulk of my time has simply been awkward attempts at finding out the role of a “man” in this world. At one point, I thought that a man’s job was to clean spyware off of old peoples’ computers. Is it to flip people off in traffic? Is it to buy beef jerky at the gas station? Could it be a man’s job to grill steaks outside, shirtless, with a grill so hot, that the hairs on his chest begin to smoulder? Perhaps it’s to be the person who buys a post-hole digger, and then immediately possesses the knowledge how to use it as if it’s been uploaded by a computer from the Matrix?
No, I think that I’ve finally figured out that a man’s job on this planet is to stop unruly people in-flight. Have you seen the videos of a recent Jet Blue flight from New York to Las Vegas where the captain of the flight went bat-crap crazy? He started running up and down the aisles of the plane screaming about a bomb being on board placed there, of course, by “Iran” and “Iraq.” Those sneaky bastards. Well, as the cell phone videos show, the Captain was subdued by several male passengers. Just like a man should do. The videos also show several other men rising and rushing to the aid of the other men. THOSE are men. Those are the men you want to model behavior around.
I guess you might also say that a man’s job is to make sure you take cell phone video of the other men suppressing the bat-crap crazy man. But that’s more of a secondary role.
Men are protectors. Men are providers. And let that be a lesson to any would-be pilot who’s about to go koo koo for cocoa puffs… Don’t do it on a flight to Vegas. There’s NOTHING that will stop men from an opportunity to shoot craps and stare at boobs. (Which are also secondary roles that men have.)
If the world consisted solely of men like these, there’d be no crime. All the beef jerky would be sold and there’d be no such thing as a Kardashian on television. The seat would always be up, and Chuck Norris would be President of the United States.
For me, I can only learn from these men. I promise to abandon my attempts to accidentally put all the Katherine Heigl DVD’s in the garbage. I promise to stop wearing underwear until they are so riddled with holes they lack the structural integrity to hold anything. I further promise to fumigate my favorite chair more than once a decade.
I promise to live my live more like these men of Jet Blue Flight 191 – even if that means I need to fly back and forth to Vegas once a week.
(Chris Kamler is active on Twitter, where he is known as @thefakened. Contact him via his web site at ramblingmorons.com)