Fake Ned Minute – September 28, 2011

by Fake Ned on September 29, 2011 at 9:00 am
Posted In: Funny, GrindsMyGears, Royals

A special edition of the Fake Ned Minute – for the last day of the regular season. Well, it’s the last day of the season for Royals fans.

Fake Ned Minute – Special Edition – Wednesday September 28, 2011

So here we find ourselves on the final day of the 2011 baseball season.  Well, that is if you’re a Royals fan. It’s been 26 years since the Kansas City Royals have seen any sort of post-season play. As luck would have it, the only year we had a fart’s chance of the playoffs, was 1994, when Major League Baseball decided it would rather cancel the season than have its Royals play in October.

But… do you smell that?  It’s the smell of change… or maybe just somebody sprayed a little “new car smell” in the back of the Fiero. So, I guess it’s time to get excited. But let’s just recall that it’s been TWENTY SIX YEARS. TWENTY. SIX. YEARS. of futility. Of dropped fly balls. Of not knowing how many outs there are. Of outfielders leaping for a wall that’s still 10 feet behind them. Of managers showering with their clothes on. Of milk and cookies and tequila.  Of being reminded that it can ALWAYS get worse.

I want to get excited. I do. But I’m tired and I’ve seen this train come into the station before. It’s all shiny. There’s a new load of coal. There’s a new conductor who seems to bellow out ALL ABOARD.  What makes this one different?

So, 2012, you can’t get here fast enough. You are Christmas morning and we are kids who have been beaten all year. We stand ready to open up our playoff presents – our over 500 records and our shot at a world series.But if you simply give us another damn pair of socks, I’m going to live with Grandma.This has been your Fake Ned Minute.

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Danny Parkins Is So White…

by Fake Ned on September 27, 2011 at 9:00 am
Posted In: Sports Radio

Nobody in this photo has ever been laid.

The genesis is irrelevant. It began, as most great Twitter hashtags do, out of the blue, out of left field, from the black lagoon.

Regardless, it happened. Deal with it.  Here’s a summary of some of the best from last night… It began with a simple meme:

DANNY PARKINS IS SO WHITE…

  • …he can’t go out after Labor Day.
  • …Stormtroopers dress up as Danny Parkins for Halloween
  • @travdawgks: …Ron Howard looks black
  • …CBS shows a picture of @DannyParkins under “Target Demographic”
  • …is flanked by @getnickwright and @cdotharrison at Halloween and they call it “Oreo Cookie”
  • @jfishSOTW: …he is endorsed by Rick Perry.
  • …my 3-way lamp has Low, High and @DannyParkins
  • …there are over 2,100 @DannyParkins swatches at Home Depot.
  • @EricBinKC: …when stadium lights go out, the game can’t restart until @DannyParkins shows up.
  • @SloshKlingler: …JC Pennys has a @DannyParkins sale every spring
  • @EricBinKC …he makes a Pottery Barn catalog look like Jet Magazine.
  • @ChuckNeinas …he got a full ride to #BYU
  • …when @DannyParkins plays baseball, he has to be rubbed with a special mud to take off the shine.
  • @JustinIvey: …NASCAR is getting rid of the white flag and changing it to the @DannyParkins flag
  • @jfishSOTW: …Alright, enough #DannyParkinsIsSoWhite jokes. He’s trying to sit quietly in his condo while watching “Hart of Dixie”. Leave him alone.
  • @falderk: …if you had a bench full of people like @DannyParkins what would you call it? The NBA.
  • @dubcormode: …he can’t even jump to a conclusion
  • @jfishSOTW: …@getnickwright refers to him as “The Man”.
  • …he makes Ben Folds look like Denzel Washington.
  • @EricBinKC: …he once made a drum machine lose the beat.
  • …he needs Barbara Billingsley to interpret when he talks to @getnickwright. #OhStewardessISpeakJive
  • @fakelazlothebuz: …his skin tone is “Seamen”
  • @fakelazlothebuz: …he makes Elton John look like Snoop Dogg
  • @JustinIvey: …when he goes on metro sports they have to use flour as make up.
  • …he thinks Hockey is “too ethnic.”

  • Danny Parkins. Gangster.

    …when the gal at Gates yells “Hi, may I help you?” @DannyParkins wets his pants.

  • …#Royals Super Fan Chris pulled him aside and said “damn, son, get some sun.”
  • @ChicagoKirk7: …he shares the same audience as Larry the Cable Guy
  • …that when he does his #RedMonday show, it immediately turns into #PinkMonday.
  • @TMTraughber: …he orders the fish at “go ckicken go”
  • …Paul McCartney is kicking himself that he didn’t come up with the idea for The @DannyParkins Album.
Here’s to you, Danny Parkins!! Salut!
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Fake Ned Minute – September 25, 2011

by Fake Ned on September 26, 2011 at 11:41 am
Posted In: Funny, GrindsMyGears

…on disgusting meat logs…

As heard on the Royalman Report…

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Fake Ned Minute – September 18, 2011

by Fake Ned on September 19, 2011 at 1:01 pm
Posted In: Chiefs, GrindsMyGears, Royals, Stupid

Starting (as in, this is my first and possibly will be more) a weekly segment as an homage to Jack’s Smack called the “Fake Ned Minute” for Troy’s Royalman Report every Sunday night.

I will post the text of these Special Commentaries here on Rambling Morons on Monday’s.

Here is my first one. Would love to get your feedback.

FAKE NED MINUTE – September 18, 2011

I’d call what’s going on down at One Arrowhead Drive a circus, but “circus” doesn’t begin to describe just how many clowns and piles of elephant crap are associated with the Chiefs right now.

These problems target one man – Todd Haley.  Todd hasn’t prepared his team for the 16-week season and wasted a tremendous opportunity in a shortened pre-season.

It reminds me of the “Camp Snoopy” Spring Trainings that the Royals had in the early-2000’s under Tony Pena. His Spring Trainings were legendary for being soft on content and high on goofing around.  He was the gym teacher that never made you climb the rope.  Pena’s teams were monumentally bad culminating with a 104 loss season in 2004.

By all accounts, Haley’s strike-shortented pre-season camp was light on content and heavy on butt-grabbing and two losses by a combined 89 points to open the season are the result. Todd, you once famously said “do your job and we’ll win this game,” but Todd, and you need to start doing yours. Haley, you messed up not getting your team prepared and you need to go. Now.  The only problem is that there is no Eric Hosmer and Mike Moustakas waiting in the wings for the boys out at Arrowhead.

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An Open Letter to Anyone Not Named Mike McCartney

by Fake Ned on September 18, 2011 at 8:37 pm
Posted In: Royals

(Editor’s Note: If your name is Mike McCartney, stop reading now. I mean it. Stop.)

Billy Crystal once famously told a story about his first trip to Yankees Stadium and when he first heard legendary PA Announcer Bob Sheppard and how Reggie Jackson called him “the voice of God.”

Major League Stadiums are special places. We are lucky in Kansas City to have one of the most amazing stadiums. One of the major reasons for this is the booming voice announcing “YOUR KANSAS CITY ROYALS” – His name is Mike McCartney.

Now batting... Number 3... Fake Ned Yost...

Whether you ever knew his name before today is irrelevant, you immediately know his voice. You hear it when you pick up your bags at KCI. You hear it on commercials on television and radio. You might even have imagined him announcing your name as the starting First Baseman for the Kansas City Royals in a dream. (Just me?? Okay. Fine.)

But I’ve learned that Mike is an actual guy – he has a young baseball-playing son, is active in the community and has a kindness that comes through even when he’s announcing a New York Yankees lineup.

So, I was shocked when I read his twitter pronouncement last week that he’s been diagnosed with Prostate Cancer. “Caught it early and treatable” he said, as if that doesn’t make it any less scary.

I (thankfully) don’t have a lot of history with family members and cancer. If it were something like alcoholism or obesity, I’d be able to give precise tips – but this is new to me.

I think, through twitter, we’ve begun to form a community of Royals fans – dare I call it “Royals Nation” to steal a phrase. So, I challenge Royals Nation to send out some love to Mike when you see him this week at the ballpark.

And if you REALLY want to take it to an over-the-top level, I would challenge you to make a donation to MLB-endorsed Cancer Charities in Mike’s name.  You can put me down for $50.

Prostate Cancer Foundation

Stand Up 2 Cancer Foundation

Make sure to send Mike a tweet @mikemccartneykc knowing that you’re thinking of him and are eager to hear him back on the mic for the 2012 season!!

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