It’s Hate Week. And if you don’t know what that means, then you obviously aren’t a fan or MU or KU, or you have a mental disorder.

Hate Week meant to me that I’m liable to lose my shit a couple of times in the week, and Tuesday night, I had a doozy.  Here’s an account of my evening according to my tweets:

This all started after a couple of tweets slamming on Fake Ned. Saying I’m getting away from the “Fake Ned Brand” by tweeting my hate for the Jayhawks. (That’s a whole different post… Kelloggs is a brand. Fake Ned is a twitter account, got it?)

Anyway, here’s what happened after that over the next 2 hours…

  • I apologize to the 4000 followers whom I have wronged. I feel like I need to tell you that I am actually not Ned Yost. #RealTalk
  • +1,000 RT @markpoulose:@fakenedyost 4k people don’t care about your college views, or personal beliefs. Fake Ned is for royals fans not you
  • Goddamn, it was a good run guys. I didn’t even get a chance to talk to you all about my Personal Savior, Jesus Christ.
  • I never got to tell you about that time I banged a KU Cheerleader when she forgot to put her teeth in.
  • I never had a chance to sing that lullaby Jose Guillen used to sing to me.
  • Nope, I really think this is the end. I have strayed from the Fake Ned template and for that, must die.
  • Maybe I can start again. Start over. Start small. Like a low level fake paper pushing the Front Office. But it just got too big, too fast.
  • Just wanted 2B more like Fake Christina Aguilera. Menstrual blood & all. But he’s right. I’ve diluted Fake Ned brand. Your words cut deep.
  • These aren’t tears of sadness, simply tears of twitter joy. Goodbye twitter.
  • I hurt a KU fans feelings today, and if I remember my MO Constitution, it’s like hurting 2/5ths of a real person.
  • I’d also like to announce I’m quitting my insanely popular video podcast, Rambling Morons, which you can find at www.ramblingmorons.com
  • Also retiring from the hugely successful Podcast Royalman Report which, coincidentally, can be found at www.royalmanreport.com
  • And no more award winning (someday) columns in the Landmark. Oh look, that’s at www.plattecountylandmark.com
  • No, I’m done. This KU fan has bested me. Foisted me with my own petard. I don’t even know if that’s right. I’m just Missouri fan.
  • The Blue Wings have risen.
  • There will be nothing left of me but a giant pothole on Twitter. You know, like Topeka.
  • I suggest you all follow the Twitter greats, like Skip Bayless and Kevin Kietzman. True twitter trailblazer.
  • What will I do once I’m gone from twitter? Well, clearly the market is cornered on White Boy Raps.
  • Certainly no Fake Ned Yost chant by @The_Antlers on College Gameday. #Twittercide
  • Maybe get a job with Newt Gingrich? Sure! He needs a fake driving his twitter account. #Twittercide
  • I thought I could hang in this MU/KU war, i’m just a shell, a paper doll… Like that Whitey kid on the #kubball team.
  • But, I can start up my pottery again… Man, I love the pot. Yanno?
  • You KU fans have won. You and your fire trap Phogg fieldhouse. You have extinguished the fire… Of my heart…
  • Maybe I can stay on twitter if I start rooting for KU? Where do I start? Shorter sentences?? Saggier tits? More prison tats? WHERE?
  • I don’t want to twitter die. I will even root for that bird college to stay… Now, when do we wave those pot leaves??
  • I’m ripping up newspapers and throwing them at my driveway… Oh and I fucked a dude. #WelcomeMeToKUFandom
  • Roooooooooccckkkkkkkkk coooccckkkkkkkkk sommeeethingggggg UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
  • Don’t let me die KU fans. Welcome me to the octagon of cum. Wait, am I getting that right? I don’t pay attention too good.
  • KU fan. I want in. I’ll do anything. I’ll fuck my sister. I’ll fuck your sister. I’ll fuck Tyshawn Taylor.
  • I wanted be a KU fan, and just got a promotion at work!! My hair is coming in Salt and Pepper now! My secretary just gave me a handjob!
  • Is this what I’ve been missing all along? Is this what life on the right side of state line is like?
  • Aw damn, I just got divorce papers filed on me.. #KuFanProblems
  • Shit, my company just went belly up. #KUFanProblems
  • Being a KU fan is great! I get to vote for Mitt Romney!!
  • Looking at a condo in Olathe. Says closest Baptist Church is on some street called Westboro. Fellow KU fan, this a good one?
  • Just bought my first KU jacket. From some guy named Mangino so I’m going to need it taken out a little…
  • I’ve been a KU fan for less than 20 minutes and, no shit, some guy just gave me $100 bill. His semen tasted like soy sauce.
  • Wait. There isn’t a Shakespeare’s pizza here? Surely you have some CJ’s hot wings right?
  • Your cheerleaders are allowed to keep their mustaches?? Have I Been sold a bill of goods here? #NewKUFan
  • The traffic over here sucks. Just saw a power chick driving, texting and putting on lipstick and Jerking off someone in the back seat.
  • No… I’m in this for the long haul. If I need to learn my cheeses to go to parties, so be it.#ThatOneIsYellow #ThatoneIsWhite
  • Just learned the KU fan secret handshake, it’s shake like normal, but take $50 out of the guys pocket.
  • I am now a proud Kansas Fan, like Jack Harrys gardener and the guy who gets Nick Wright’s coffee in the morning.
  • I’m a Jay… Jay… JAY JAY JAYHAWK and the Home of the Chieeeeeeeeeeeefffffffssssss #IAmHome
  • At Mizzou, DGB is a top rated recruit. Here in Kansas, DGB is the name of that report my fucking secretary forgot to print. #AmIRight?
  • Here at KU, we have this saying, derp a derp derp derp derp. It really is so true.
  • Just spilled white zin on my cardigan at Houlihans. #KUFanProblems
  • Wait. What’s the subject of that sentence? And? RT @dustinw82:@fakenedyost you’re and idiot.
  • Tried to get into #kubball practices but apparently is “weed and prison tat time”
  • Hold on. There is a NASCAR track here?? In Kansas?? I Might never go back. #3
  • Closest I got to NASCAR in Missouri was a rim job from a chick in a Jeff Gordon hat. I mean, I think it was a woman
  • Which one does Kevin Harlan go to? RT @tomlp101@fakenedyost I suppose you’ll be at Baron BMW tomorrow?
  • I’ve been sitting at a light at 119th and Metcalf for 45 minutes now. I just want to go to KU Sampler… Gosh!!
  • Wait. But I’m a KU fan now. You can’t hate me anymore. WAVE THE WHEAT!!! ROCK CHALK!!! BUY JAPANESE!!
  • Not sure I can live in both worlds. Still wanting to listen to whiteboi rappers and watch Head of State. #ItsGood
  • If tonight has taught me anything, its that Jesus invented humans… And Kansas invented the peach basket. Cuz we grow peaches here.
  • It has also taught me that Whitey isn’t just a few basketball player, it’s a way of life.
  • This all started because I hurt a KU fans feelings tonight. After spending hours in your shoes, I now understand your thin skinned-ness
  • I think I’m going to return to my Mizzou fandom, but a little wiser, and with a FUCKING SWEET Beamer. I will never forget you, Kansas.
  • I won’t forget the night I walked in your penny loafers and didn’t chew Skoal and watched that Housewives show. A part of me dies tonight.
  • But, I just can get over my Missouri roots. My ability to understand evolution. And my eventual acceptance of the blacks. #MUForever
  • Missouri has the Royals, the Big 12 Championship and my favorite sex noise, “UH” in its name if you say it right.
  • I simply realized that Kansas is a backwards, shit-hole of a college where they fuck their mothers with their brothers. Suck a dick KU.
  • <drop mic>