I contribute a weekly column to the Platte County Landmark under the “Rambling Moron” name. It’s a great Northland Newspaper and well worth a subscription. The following is an copy of my article which appeared in the 1/20/12 edition – printed with permission.

WHICH IS BETTER, PLATTE OR CLAY? 
Posted 1/20/12

From time to time (when I’m out of any good ideas, for instance), I will be looking at the “other” Border War here in the Kansas City area. No, I’m not referring to the centuries-old battle between Kansas and Missouri. No, I’m not even referring to the skirmishes between Kansas City and Overland Park. I am, of course, leaving it all in the Northland as we look at which is the better county — Platte or Clay.

As I live in one and work in the other, I feel this qualifies me as the perfect arbiter between the two counties. I will take five issues per round and then determine a winner for the round.

For now… here is the scorecard for Round 1

Category 1 – Breaking News
Clay County: The suspected arson of the Liberty Hills Country Club
Platte County: Fire truck crashes. Two of them.
WINNER: Platte County
Any five year old boy would agree that the simple choice is crashing fire trucks. I mean, it’s friggin’ firetrucks… CRASHING. Plus, we had a wild kangaroo as our kicker. (Pardon the pun.)

Category 2 – Shopping Districts
Clay County: The mess of retail and big box shopping at Highway 152 and I-35
Platte County: Zona Rosa
WINNER: Platte County
Whoever designed that mass of humanity at 152 and I-35 should be forced to drive a car full of screaming tweens up and down 152 all day for a week from one end of Buffalo Wild Wings all the way to William Jewell and then back. For weeks.

Category 3 – Business of the Year
Clay County: I have no idea what the Liberty Business of the Year was. I can only assume it was Target gauging off of how much my wife has spent there.
Platte County: Casey’s General Store
WINNER: Even before this week’s news that a Casey’s employee allegedly was involved in a murder, the correct answer was “Not the county with a city that named a gas station its Business of the Year.” Checkmark for Clay County.

Category 4 – Quaint, Off the Beaten Path Town
Clay County: Excelsior Springs
Platte County: Parkville
WINNER: Clay County — This was a close one. but I’m going to have to go with E-Town by a nose. Simply because of Wabash BBQ. The rest of the town smells like a moist cat.

Category 5 – Old-Time, Small Town Local Newspapers
Clay County: The Excelsior Springs Standard
Platte County: The Platte County Landmark
WINNER: Platte County — Are you kidding me?
The Landmark beats the Standard in depth, breadth, weight of columnists and number of open bar Christmas parties. And we are winning the war against unnecessary cliches. Plus, my Daddy didn’t raise no dummy. I know where my bread is buttered. And it is what it is.

The winner of Round 1… Platte County by a score of 3-2.

But this is just the beginning. Check this space in the future for more in the COMBAT OF THE COUNTIES.

(Chris Kamler is active on Twitter, where he is known as @FakeNedYost. Reach him through his website, ramblingmorons.com)