I contribute a weekly column to the Platte County Landmark under the “Rambling Moron” name. It’s a great Northland Newspaper and well worth a subscription. The following is an early edition of my article which will appear in the 1/5/12 edition – printed with permission.

The City of Parkville passed what could be the greatest ordinance in the history of city governments… ANYWHERE.

Starting on March 31, 2012 you will be able to drive golf karts on city streets in Parkville. This means, that for a $50 registration fee, you can take your golf kart from Hy-Vee on 64th street all the way to English Landing. Granted, it might take you a week and a half.

Life is supposed to be fun. Living in a town such as Parkville needs to be more enjoyable – why not mix in a golf kart? Who doesn’t like driving around in a golf kart?
I applaud the Parkville Aldermen for this out-of-the-box thinking and could suggest a few more ordinances to help with making Parkville one of the more progressive cities in the Midwest:

  • Mayoral decree that it’s Golf Kart, not Golf Cart. Misspellings will result in a $500 fine and possible imprisonment.
  • If you’re going to add golf karts to public streets, the logical extension of this is to allow golf kart girls. Let’s say you’re driving your golf kart from Riss Lake over to All-Star Pizza and you’re like, “I’m awfully thirsty and could use a $3 bag of Doritos.” And, BOOM! Up drives the golf kart girl who sells you a $5 Bud Light. Mmmm. Refreshing!
  • Since Noland Road is commonly referred to as “The Miracle Mile” where you can buy just about every make and model of cars, how about we make a stretch of River Road the “Mildly Amazing Mile” where you can buy every model of golf karts, segueways and mopeds.
  • Wyandotte County in Kansas, by all accounts, was saved by the construction of the Kansas Speedway. I nominate English Landing Park (when it’s not underwater) as the future home for the Parkville Kartway – home to the National Golf Kart Racing Association circuit. (It’s a real thing, Google it.) Imagine Golf Karts from all over converging on our little Parkville to make outstanding YouTube videos for decades to come.
  • The $50 fee would be waved for the best personalized golf kart license plate – can’t you just see that fella from Linden Park getting a nice surprise that his “FORE PLAY” or “TO 19TH” tag was given a break.
  • The golf kart phenomenon should be a big hit with Park University. That campus is deceptively big and I know that when I was in college, being able to sleep in that extra five minutes would’ve been huge. Beware students – don’t get any ideas about using a golf kart as your DD when tipping them back at Stone Canyon – you can still get a DUI… even in a Golf Kart.
  • Finally, as you know, golf karts are terribly underpowered and Parkville is extremely hilly. The city government will need to flatten out certain areas of town. I would recommend starting with 15th hole at The National #2. But that’s just because I don’t like walking up hills.

I am excited about a new Golf Kart-friendly future for Parkville. And pardon me for suggesting the town’s new slogan, but I think I’ve got it… You can’t drive to Par without Parkville.

(Chris Kamler is active on Twitter, where he can be found spewing opinions under the name @fakenedyost)