One of my favorite traditions in the Kamler house is the Sunday after Thanksgiving, we put up our Christmas tree while watching the 1983 classic, “A Christmas Story.” It’s almost hard to believe that story came out thirty years ago and it was a movie that portrayed 1940’s suburban life at Christmas.
I can’t help but wonder what a 2013 Christmas Story might look like. In today’s Hollywood environment, I’m sure I can’t be the first person to think about a remake.
Let’s start with the family themselves. The family would likely need to be a blended family with a father, probably played by Vince Vaughn, because he’s in every movie, and a light-skinned African-American woman. Let’s say it’s Halle Berry. The two children would probably be adopted, a kid from Zimbabwe and his sister, “Ralphie,” the movie’s key character would be a charming, quick-witted Asian kid – all to better reflect America.
The father would have just lost his job, but looking to win a “major award” as he is a web-developer looking to rebuild the failing Obamacare website. “Be careful,” he would say to his oddly beautiful wife, “the website… it’s Fra-Gee-Lay…”
Because the family saw Santa in early November, the key scene to the movie would be the family fighting crowds at a Wal-Mart on the morning of Black Friday. The cute little Ralphie keeps saying how she wants her favorite toy for Christmas. “I want an official Apple 32 gig iPad with retina display and a bluetooth keyboard.”
Throughout the movie, Ralphie and her friends would be bullied by the evil Scott Farkas via a series of hateful Twitter replies and Facebook posts. Ralphie would still double-dog dare her friend Bella to stick her tongue to a flagpole, but instead of simply calling the Fire Department, Bella would sue Ralphie’s family for child endangerment and the video would go viral on YouTube. Bella’s new-found fame would land her a reality show deal on Bravo.
Throughout the movie, characters would constantly caution Ralphie against getting the iPad she so desperately wants because, “you’ll just watch porn on it.” Sure enough, Christmas morning, when the family has finished opening all of the gifts, one wrapped present remains. Ralphie checks behind the La-Z-Boy and there is a brand new silver iPad. Within minutes, Ralphie has downloaded a virus that sends pop-ups and pornography to all of the computers in the house. This causes Ralphie to utter FUDGE at the top of her lungs. Only she didn’t say ‘fudge.’ Because children are no longer beaten in 2013, Ralphie just goes on with her day. Her mother would put soap in her mouth, but Ralphie has a strictly gluten-free diet and the soap might’ve been prepared in facility that contains gluten and nuts.
The core message of the movie would remain the same, however. No matter how much drama and strife could happen to a family at Christmas time, no matter how many challenges a family faces, always remember that Chinese restaurants are always open on Christmas.