Cheaters Always Win

by Chris on February 28, 2014 at 6:57 pm
Posted In: Landmark Column

Originally appeared in Platte County Landmark

I’ve gotten it all wrong.

Thank you, Alex Rodriguez, Chris Christie, Lance Armstrong, and a host of others for reminding me about a valuable life lesson… Throw out that “liar, liar, pants on fire” nursery rhyme and let’s go with “cheaters always prosper.”

Lying is in. Cheating is the new black. I think I’m ready to learn from my mistakes in the past and finally embrace the dishonest lifestyle that will put me on top.

Alex Rodriguez continues to remind us that cheating always pays off. Oh sure, he’s facing a little bit of trouble in the way of a 162 game suspension from Baseball for taking steroids, but that’s a drop in the bucket compared to the $300 Million he’s made playing baseball over his career.  All the while, denying he ever took any performance enhancing drugs even though evidence suggests the complete opposite. A-Rod even has folks coming out of the woodwork who admit to injecting him with things. No matter. Deny, deny, deny.

But Chris, you say that Lance Armstrong was stripped of his seven Tour De France titles. Yeah, but HE GOT TO HAVE SEX WITH SHERYL CROW. The man only had one testicle. Do you think he’s going to bag a hottie like Sheryl Crow without some PED’s?  Another victory for cheating.

Jump ahead to politics – oh there’s never any lying in politics. Let’s look at the latest scandal, this one featuring New Jersey Governor Chris Christie who denies any involvement with creating traffic jams on the George Washington bridge. A bridge named after, ironically enough, a man who could not tell a lie.  What does Christie do? Denies any involvement in the face of mounting evidence that he caused the problem.  Christie might be the next President, hell, he might be elected King or Pope or something. Brilliant move, Governor!

Just think what I can accomplish with a new slate – one where I’m dishonest. I could start taking performance enhancing drugs, which, for a newspaper columnist, is really just black coffee and Red Bull. But those are two things I don’t currently drink. Doesn’t matter. I’m heading for newspaper glory.

Maybe I should just start copying columns out of The Pitch and turning them in. Oh boy, let the money start rolling in!  All those “good” manners and traits my parents taught me like never telling a lie and respecting others — garbage. Daddy needs him some moolah!

I can start lying. Oh boy this is going to be great. Sure, Mr. Editor, I fact checked every one of my quotes, like the one where the Mayor said that all police cars will soon be equipped with a stun gun that shoots Skittles at pedestrians. Nope, got the quote myself. Just print it. BOOM. COME ON PULITZER!!

I suppose I could continue to tell the truth and be kind to my elders and make complete stops at traffic lights. Naaahhhh… Look out world, you’ve got one lyin’, cheatin’, dopin’, druggin’ newspaper columnist about to raise some hell in 2014 – A-Rod style.  Now, can somebody get me Sheryl Crow’s number? I need a date to the Newspaper Awards.

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Sochi Olympic Promoters Make Stunning Tribute to Broadcasting Icon

by Chris on February 7, 2014 at 1:26 pm
Posted In: Funny

SOCHI: Olympic promoters today made an alteration to their programming at the last minute to make a stunning and eye-watering tribute to one of America’s most beloved broadcasters. Bob Costas, who has been crippled by a pink eye infection, bravely battled through it during last night’s broadcast opening of the 2014 Olympic Games.  In response, the normally tight lipped Sochi organizing committee erected the following monument during the Opening Ceremonies.

Not a dry eye could be found in the place. Mostly because of the bacteria in the water. But still. It was a nice moment.

OlympicCostas

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My Radio Station – Your Sports Station – Our City Radio

by Chris on February 5, 2014 at 1:50 pm
Posted In: Sports Radio

So, I have eluded to this a few times on social networking, but wanted to make it official. I’m getting into the radio business!

The project is an all Kansas City Sports Station through a service called Our City Radio. Our City Radio is just getting off the ground, but the idea is unique and pretty awesome. Local bands. Local artists. Local stories. All for free.

The music stations will highlight local, unsigned bands who can upload their music to our site completely free. We would also do band interviews and really just provide a forum to highlight these great local bands that are getting passed up by the corporate radio machine.

Main LogoSports Talk in this down is going down that same road. I’ve written extensively about it on this site. You get 12 hours a day of the same MU, Chiefs and Jayhawks updates, but 2 minutes in a year about the National Champion Northwest Missouri State Bearcats. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Stories from smaller colleges like Avila and UMKC and Park. Have you ever heard them on conglomo sports talk?  Well, you will on Kansas City’s Our City Radio Sports Channel.

The station will be supported by ads from businesses and supporters, but the content will be completely free and untethered by rights contracts and exclusive deals. If there’s a story out there, I want to hear about it and want to talk about it on the station. That means Royals, Chiefs, Sporting KC, Colleges, High School and Club Teams. Get at me. Let’s tell that story.

This has the opportunity to be extremely unique in the area and because the national network is geared so much towards music, they’ve kind of let me build this out however I want it. That means it’ll be a little bit awesome and probably a lot goofy. That’s okay. That fits the footprint of being a Kansas City Fan.

The site should go live in the next few weeks.

Now, I hate for my first post about this project to be asking a favor – but it is.  Our City Radio has been building over the past year and we’ve reached a critical point in their buildout. In order for my station and many others like it to go live, OCR has launched an IndieGoGo campaign to help get their funding over the hump.  This will eventually be a paying gig for me and my interest in getting them over their goal is obvious. But it should also be obvious to you who want to hear more than just the same lineups and grilling segments that our local stations have become. We want the real picture of sports in KC.

Please take a few minutes to visit the IndieGoGo site and if you can donate $10 or $20 or $100, please do.

This is as grass roots as it gets. In return, I will personally make sure you are thanked on behalf of the Sports Talk revolution here in Kansas City. Please send me your contact information and we’ll make it happen.

So… there it is… The Rambling Moron is moving into the Sports Talk game… Putting my money where my big mouth is… God help us all.

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Rambling Morons Podcast #26–We Can Never #BeRoyalsKC

by Chris on February 4, 2014 at 4:23 pm
Posted In: Podcast

Episode 26 pulls out all the stops as we head over to Royals Fan Fest and run into everyone and anyone associated with the Kansas City Royals, including Hall of Famer Denny Matthews, Royals owner David Glass, Royals DH Billy Butler and Kauffman Stadium PA announcer Mike McCartney. Also throw in original Royal Al Fitzmorris and Kaitlin from the Omaha Storm Chasers and you’ve got one jam packed show. And that’s not even mentioning the Curator of the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Rambling Morons Podcast #26

Thanks as always to the Isaac James Band for use of their songs in our show.

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You can subscribe to audio-only on iTunes and RSS here or catch us on YouTube

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SHOW NOTES:

MUSIC:

  • More girls to love. Meet.. the AcaBelles
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Loserville, U.S.A.

by Chris on January 20, 2014 at 1:51 pm
Posted In: Landmark Column

Originally appeared in Platte County Landmark

Loserville.  Welcome back to Loserville.

You thought winning a soccer trophy was the turning point? Nope. Kansas City, you are the pits.

It’s our fault, really. Not the fault of the Chiefs defense, who gaked away a 28 point lead. This one is on us.  We should’ve seen it coming.  I mean, for goodness sakes, even our mascot spent the last two months in the hospital. Was it really any surprise that Jamaal Charles left the game injured five minutes in?

This one felt like a punch in the gut after about 25 kicks in the groin and dropped a city right back into the squalor that is Loserville: Population Kansas City and Cleveland. At least Cleveland has the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Every year we hope and we pray and we squint and we cheer and we invest money in shirts and hats – and what do we get out of it? A 28 point swing and a 45-44 loss to extend the Chiefs winless streak in the playoffs to 21 years.  The last time the Chiefs won a playoff game, NBC’s Friends was 8 months away from airing its first episode and Joe Montana was the quarterback.

This one is on us. We absolutely should’ve seen it coming. Kansas City is the home Andrews McMeal, the publisher of Peanuts. Peanuts is the famed comic strip by Charles Schultz and features a recurring gag where Lucy repeatedly convinces Charlie Brown to try to kick a football only to pull it away at the last second – over and over and over again. There is no more perfect metaphor for Kansas City sports fandom.

Kansas City tried to die a frozen fountain at North Oak and Vivion to show their Chiefs pride prior to their first playoff appearance in a decade. The scene looked like something out of an episode of CSI or Dexter. Rivers of red dye painted the white ice unevenly prompting the KC Parks department to issue a statement saying it was the first time they tried it. Ya think?  Well, at least we have that haunting reminder of failure to drive by every day until March when it thaws.

74353767_04c2efc838Why do we keep doing this to ourselves?  If I offered you to be a Kansas City fan and repeatedly watch our teams puke in times of clutch for over twenty years, or, smack yourself in the face one time with a hammer and never be smacked again – wouldn’t you take the hammer?

And yet, we’ll line up again for tickets when they go on sale in a few months. We’ll continue to buy Chiefs shirts as birthday presents and put Royals bumper stickers on our cars.  We are Kansas City. We are Loserville.

At least we can put aside our pain over a 21 year playoff drought and focus on the upcoming Kansas City Royals season – a team with a 29 year playoff drought.  I’m sure this will end up better.  I can sense it.  I’m going to run out and buy my season tickets, right after I kick Lucy’s football.

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